Notes from Doc - July 2009

Courageous communication is communication that catches your own projections.  Imagine, beyond not-having-to dodge bullets (Neo just says “No,” and the bullets stop, and drop to the ground.), lies catching your own bullets (the fastest ones there are) before they impact the would-be victim. 

There are lots of reasons we project, like:  there’s something our parents did/said that we took to be true (or the opposite of which we took to be true), and so we project it on the world; or there’s some sort of inner struggle that (unrecognized) we take and make an outer struggle, so outer- reflects inner strife-ridden world.  For instance, inside I struggle with giving, being of service; and so I marry someone with whom I argue about giving to charity and serving selflessly.

There are also lots of ways to deal with projections, like:  coming clean, letting whomever you’re projecting onto know what you’re thinking (“I notice I’m harboring the thought that you should…”); or just clarifying what you’re actually experiencing versus the significance you tend to give it (for instance:  detachedly, “I see you raising your eyebrow, and I imagine you’re doubting me…”).

The general point is:  a projection is a judgment.  As long as you’re judging, you’re not connecting, not communicating.  Susan Campbell makes a great suggestion (p 129 of Getting Real).  Reflect on the relationship in which you’re projecting/judging, and fill in the blanks of this sentence:  “If only you would __________ , I’d feel __________ .”  The bad news is: THEY neither will, nor need to change; how you feel is not their responsibility.  The good news:  this is about something inside YOU—i.e. that you can be responsible for/control—which is blocking your feeling whatever goes in the second blank of that sentence.

Facing being responsible for your feelings, especially when they block your growth, and communication, is an act of courage.  “We all project, just like we all try to feel in control and we all lie.  I recommend that we all simply cop to this fact and hold our projections more lightly.  Don’t get attached to them.  Use them as a mirror of your relationship with yourself.”  (ibid., 130)

Often when I’ve asked you about giving gift coaching sessions, there’s a hesitancy based on…guess what:  a projection!  If you’re having trouble detaching from your projections, call me at 303 772 0351.  Write me at mkettelhut@msn.com and I’ll send an actual gift certificate you can present the person whom you’d like to give a coaching session.

Notes from Doc – June 2009

So far in this year’s series, we have seen that Courageous Communication is communication that…

·         Pays attention to THEM (Jan)

·         Experiences what-is in both you & them (Feb)

·         Comes from the heart, not the head (March)

·         Acknowledges fear and delivers anyway (April)

·         Is transparent, i.e. observes thoughts, and stays true to self without knowing how/where the conversation is going to go (May)

This month let’s look deeper into the not-knowing of Courageous Communication.

We all have automatic ways in which we avoid the seeming danger of really connecting, rather than just protecting the status quo in our communications.  Some of us deflect or circumvent the rich, precious moment of complete disclosure and not-knowing what’s going to transpire.  Some of us charge right through by continuing to talk, prevailing or answering our own questions.  Some of us disarm the tension by softening or recanting.

Instead of indulging it, observe your automatic control pattern kicking in, and stay present.  Hold that pattern in abeyance while allowing space in the conversation.  Notice the uncertainty as to alternative ways to proceed, and yet be ready and willing to move with your interlocutor(s).  Then, rather than just putting more noise in the world, what happens is that something unprecedented comes into existence through your communication, a new reality is fashioned.

Miles Davis, when asked the secret to his success as jazz musician, is supposed to have said something like, ‘First you have to practice.  You have to play the scales, the chord progressions, and the rhythmic patterns over and over again.  Then you get out on the stage and just wail.’

Unless we’re willing to improvise, our communication just puts more static in the space.  Once we give room in our awareness for the strategies we’ve unconsciously picked up to avoid really connecting with others, and simply stay awake in dialogue, our communication is novel.

What courageous communicative improvization are you committed to following through with? 
blog me or call 303 772 0351.  --Doc

Coaches are not psychologists or psychiatrists; they don’t just give advice nor do they do the work for you. A coach is more like a mentor, a guide to your own truth, someone with whom you apprentice.  In our culture, coaching used to show up more often in the arts (e.g., a vocal coach), sports, and certain crafts (e.g., carpentry). 

In the same way that a Saturday afternoon jogger who has no desire to improve her/his technique (run longer distances, or compete with others) has no need to employ a coach, it likewise makes no sense to bring on a coach if you’re not up to something like:

• making more money
• relating to people better
• managing your time
• staying on track with what’s most important
• maintaining balance
• developing your spiritual life, etc.

From the outside, coaching looks a lot like help at making choices about what to do and how to achieve certain goals. Actually, that is advice, which is great. However, you probably get plenty of that without it making any difference.

Coaching makes such a profound difference because of the access your coach provides to what is hidden from your view of yourself, your habits, and your thinking.  A coach is a beacon through the fog of self-help. And yet, where most of us go when we want different results is to consult with the same person who got you the results you’re already getting, namely yourself.

A good coach will not take you as client unless you are coachable.  The best way to determine if you are coachable is to ask yourself, “Do I value direct communication intended to make a difference for me?”  You may not want direct communication in your life, and that’s OK; it’s just not conducive to coaching.   

Take our  Survey: “Are you Coachable?”

The most important criterion when choosing a coach is this: When you are with your potential coach, notice if she/he asks questions, the answering of which makes a difference, that is, shifts your perspective of you for you.  In other words, regardless of whether or not it feels good, is it good for you? 

For your fresh new perspective, take advantage of the one-on-one Expert Coach Complimentary Session with Doc Kettelhut. Download this Gift Certificate and schedule your call today!

Doc Kettelhut

doc@jonesassociatesinc.com