Notes from Doc - July 2009

Courageous communication is communication that catches your own projections.  Imagine, beyond not-having-to dodge bullets (Neo just says “No,” and the bullets stop, and drop to the ground.), lies catching your own bullets (the fastest ones there are) before they impact the would-be victim. 

There are lots of reasons we project, like:  there’s something our parents did/said that we took to be true (or the opposite of which we took to be true), and so we project it on the world; or there’s some sort of inner struggle that (unrecognized) we take and make an outer struggle, so outer- reflects inner strife-ridden world.  For instance, inside I struggle with giving, being of service; and so I marry someone with whom I argue about giving to charity and serving selflessly.

There are also lots of ways to deal with projections, like:  coming clean, letting whomever you’re projecting onto know what you’re thinking (“I notice I’m harboring the thought that you should…”); or just clarifying what you’re actually experiencing versus the significance you tend to give it (for instance:  detachedly, “I see you raising your eyebrow, and I imagine you’re doubting me…”).

The general point is:  a projection is a judgment.  As long as you’re judging, you’re not connecting, not communicating.  Susan Campbell makes a great suggestion (p 129 of Getting Real).  Reflect on the relationship in which you’re projecting/judging, and fill in the blanks of this sentence:  “If only you would __________ , I’d feel __________ .”  The bad news is: THEY neither will, nor need to change; how you feel is not their responsibility.  The good news:  this is about something inside YOU—i.e. that you can be responsible for/control—which is blocking your feeling whatever goes in the second blank of that sentence.

Facing being responsible for your feelings, especially when they block your growth, and communication, is an act of courage.  “We all project, just like we all try to feel in control and we all lie.  I recommend that we all simply cop to this fact and hold our projections more lightly.  Don’t get attached to them.  Use them as a mirror of your relationship with yourself.”  (ibid., 130)

Often when I’ve asked you about giving gift coaching sessions, there’s a hesitancy based on…guess what:  a projection!  If you’re having trouble detaching from your projections, call me at 303 772 0351.  Write me at mkettelhut@msn.com and I’ll send an actual gift certificate you can present the person whom you’d like to give a coaching session.